Making a Fresh Start with Chronic Illness
I come to the idea of a fresh start from my meditation practice. I sit (on my chair, because sitting on the floor is impossible for me) intending to focus on my breath. Instead, my mind wanders wildly. My practice, then, is to bring my attention back to my breath. I get a fresh start. This process of releasing preoccupation, returning to intention and recommitting to my practice is an important one in my life.
I’m wondering if it may also be helpful as a response to chronic illness.
The monster of chronic illness dances beside me. When I was first diagnosed, I feared that I would become the monster – that there would be no part of my life untouched by illness. I feared that chronic illness would define me. Now, thirty years later, I know that while illness is part of who I am – and has helped make me who I am – it is not all of who I am. I cannot take a fresh start out of the illness, but I can take a fresh start within it.
What part of my response to illness is feeling stale, dysfunctional or outmoded?
I want to consider this question in two ways: physical and mental. My first step turned out to be a sort of inventory.
Physical
I imagined my way through a typical day and asked: what is physically awkward or uncomfortable? I made a list.
I noticed that some items on the list are imaginary. Things are okay now, but I’m afraid they might become awkward or uncomfortable in the future. Silly me. My mother called that “borrowing trouble.” She told me not to do it. I wrote the word “future” beside nearly half the items on my list.
For the remaining items, I generated a possible solution and a first step toward that solution. These fell into three categories:
- I can do this by myself.
- I need help from a friend or family member.
- I need help from a professional.
Now I’m left with actions I can take. (If I couldn’t think of a solution or a first step, asking for help problem-solving would be the first step.)
For example, when the van comes to a quick stop, my torso falls forward and I can no longer move myself back into a sitting position. I am consulting with a wheelchair tech about a harness to hold me back in the chair.
Mental
To discover awkward and uncomfortable situations in my mind and spirit, I invited my emotions to guide. I thought about conversations or interpersonal moments when I felt embarrassed, guilty, angry, sad or afraid. I wrote about the outward circumstances of those moments and what I was thinking and feeling.
I am afraid of losing what I love and angry that I can’t have life the way I want it to be. I want to meet that fear and anger with trust and surrender. I remind myself that I believe that all of life makes a beautiful pattern – a whole. I am part of that pattern, all of me, just as I am, illness included. I can trust and relax into that pattern. I can surrender my need to control what’s happening. Using traditional language: God is in charge. God has a plan. I surrender to God’s will in my life. When I let go of the fear and the need to control, then I can take a fresh start.
Another thing I learn from meditation is the way that emotions arise disappear. Every now and then, I will feel fear and anger, but if I don’t feed those emotions with thoughts that encourage them, they will go away.
Rather than practical next steps, I can prepare myself with some mental responses. When I notice fear or anger arising, I can say to myself, “it’s okay sweetie – trust and surrender.” (Traditionally: “In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.” Psalm 71:1.)
My calendar has new practical action steps on it. My psyche is prepared with an answer for my next moments of discomfort. I have given my response to illness a fresh start. |
