Chronic illness comes with ups and downs. Symptoms flare and life is reorganized to focus on medications and treatments. Slowly, things resolve. The feeling of crisis is over, but we may be left feeling unfinished and wondering what’s next. Is this a new normal? Are there actions that we should take? We may be torn between feelings of exhaustion and urges to move forward.
I return to my model of illness as creative transformation:
- overwhelm: a change in your body invites you into whirlwinds of emotion
- incubation: you spend time numb and seemingly inactive (trust that things are happening beneath the obvious)
- reconciliation: you explore the changes in your body and make peace with the new normal
- rededication: you remember what's important to you and find new ways to bring it into your life
These are not clear-cut stages but are movements in a dance.
My most recent experience of overwhelm came from a combination of “positive” and “negative” influences. (I smile at my mind’s insistence on making such black-and-white judgments.) I was finishing a creative project – the culmination of more than a year of work. My (now secondary progressive) MS symptoms were increasing. My husband had a health scare. I felt the sands shifting under me. There was excitement, sadness, fear, worry… Many Big Emotions and some loss of sleep.
I find myself rocking between wishing for a vacation (not practical in this body at this time) and wanting a new project. I am, I realize, dancing between incubation and reconciliation. Identifying my place in the model helps me understand why I’m feeling the way I am and suggests how to move forward.
During a time of incubation, my job is to take care of myself.
- Pamper myself.
- Connect with a caring friend.
- Contemplate something beautiful.
- Find something to laugh about.
During a time of reconciliation, my job is to make mindful changes.
- Return to gentle physical activity.
- Pay attention to what has changed, physically, mentally and emotionally.
- Make a list of things that would make life easier or more comfortable.
- Get help from the experts.
Caught in the cusp between these stages (and feeling a tug toward rededication, because that’s the most fun), I need to rock with the energy of my body between nourishment and innovation.
Many things in life are a rhythm between expansion and contraction: breath, heartbeat, the cycles of sunlight and seasons. Here I am, in recovery from a period of overwhelm, moving into what comes next. I am taking lessons from the sea anemone: curl into nourishment; reach out into change and possibility.
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